SPANKYS DIRTY JOKES ARCHIVE!

Here is a small collection of dirty jokes for your pleasure. All these dirty jokes have been collected from from emails that have been sent to me from friends, or from dirty joke sites on the internet. i hope you guys enjoy them, and I will be adding more jokes as I come across them. WARNING - remember, these are pretty dirty jokes, so if your a minor, best to not look at them.=)

Quick Dirty Jokes

Short Dirty Jokes

Long Dirty Jokes







Quick Dirty Jokes

Did you hear about the leper who was a gigalo?

His buiness was doing rather well until it fell apart.



Why do little girls carry a fish inn each pocket?

So they can smell like big girls!



My friends had a dog named herpes.

They had to give him away because he wouldn't heal


"You're not a true Boy Scout until you've eaten your first brownie."


Did you know that Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia and changed he name?

She now goes by the name of Ivana Cutchacokov.


Did you hear the one about the man with five dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.


How do you know if your newborn son is gay?

He'll only suck his pacifier if there is hair on it.


There once was a couple named Blair
Who liked to fuck on the stair
When the bannister broke,
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air


Mama Liberace hollered downstairs, "Libby, has that piano tuner come yet?"

"No mama, but his eyes are getting glassy!"

 

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Short Dirty Jokes

Dirty Porn Music

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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Convict On The Loose
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
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Another Bad Attempt
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

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Costume Party Idea
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"


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Poor Old Guy

A man in his 50's buys a beautiful pair of shoes on his way home from work. When he gets home he asks his wife if she notices anything different about him. She says no. At bed time he gets completely naked except for his new shoes and again asks his wife if she notices anything different about him. She says well let's see you've got the same old useless cock hangin limp as usual.

He says look at where it's "pointing". I bought new shoes!

His wife then says "you should have bought a new hat!


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A man walking on a beach say a bottle, picked it up, rubbed it, and poof a genie came out and said "Master I will give you two wishes."

The man thought for a while and said "I wish I could be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

The genie said "Your wish is muy command." and poof the man turned into a toilet.

 

 

 

 



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Long Dirty Jokes


Shoe Worries

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and tookthe aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

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Nympho Convention

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."

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Blind Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

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XXX Rated ATM Machine

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

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Thor- God of Thunder


Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar.

He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in hew place making passionate love, over and over again.

Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!"

The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor! I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"

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Three Priests


Three preists were taking a shower together in the church. They ran out of soap. Thinking the church was empty, one walked naked down the hall to the supply closet.

Half way back, the naked priest saw three nuns walking towards him. He immediately froze and pretended to be a statue.

The first nun took one look and said "what a realistic looking statue!".

The second nun reached and felt the priests dick, and he dropped a bar of soap. "Wow a dispenser!" she exclaimed.

The thiird nun reached over, pulled on his dick and said "Hand Cream too!"

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David Copperfield

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share. Nobody puts their hand up except one man.

David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick. The man says "For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her underwear and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "I know, but it's f**king magic."

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Model Features

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

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Seafood Follies

A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the morgue thinks, "I'll throw him in at the deep end on his first day, give him a real challenge". So he takes the young man to a door, and he tells the young man, "Behind this door is a room with nothing in it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have to go in and inspect her body."

"Inspect her body?" the young man asks.

"Yes", replies the Boss, "Check if everything's OK"

So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room.

"Everything OK?" asks the boss.

"Yes", answers the young man, "Except one thing. She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt."

"She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?", exclaims the boss, astonished.

"Yes", replies the young man.

The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room, and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, "See, I told you".

"That's not a prawn, that's her clittoris!", explains the boss.

"Well, it tasted like a prawn", answers the young man.

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Shopping Center Feelup

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said

"One box of large condoms to register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and,like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said,

"One box of medium sized condoms to register 5."

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over he counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,

"Clean up at register 5!"

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Thanks for taking the time to look over my dirty jokes page. I will be adding more jokes as i come across them. Take it easy!
Spanky!

Check out these guys as they let me host my page here. This forum is pretty cool.